Optimism and Pathology

I am distinctly skewed towards optimism…and in my decades-long span of being on an avowed “spiritual journey,” I was fiercely positive-minded at times.

Most of the knee-jerkness has been let go, floating away in a stream of unrelenting reality…but that’s still how I tend to view things…something of a default mode.

Perhaps I’m unnecessarily setting up the next piece but am wanting to be clear of where I’m coming from as I look back at my life: there are aspects of myself that seem pathological from this distance: the profound shyness, depths of confusion and lack of confidence in engaging with Life, from my early years, my teens and twenties especially.

Am now struck the disparity of being so “successful” in rapidly spitting out various “right” answers to school subjects and my own blindness in navigating Life…in grokking the male/female dance.

Perhaps that phrase contains the clue: I never danced (well, except for two memorably drunken occasions) until I walked into the ecstatic dance studio in downtown Portland on my 61st birthday, practically pissing my pants in panic as I stepped through the doorway.

I was literally dropping out of a conceptual life and taking initial steps towards an actually embodied life.

I really don’t know much from books any more…my body is increasingly guiding me. My body knows people better than my mind ever has… guiding me in ways that feel ever fresh.


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